No matter how old your kids are, telling your kids that you are getting a divorce can hit them hard. Even adult children who have moved out and created their own lives can have a difficult time when you break the news to them. 

How you tell your kids that you are getting a divorce will depend on a lot of factors, from their age, to your relationship with them, what your family dynamics are, and more. Here are some helpful tips that you can utilize when telling your kids that you are getting divorced. Depending on the nature of your relationships and the divorce itself, these may or may not be useful to you.

#1. Have A Strategy Beforehand

Don’t just drop the bomb that you’re getting divorced on your kids. Have a plan for how you’re going to do this. Telling your kids that you are getting a divorce will vary depending on your relationship with them, your spouse’s relationship with them, their age, and more. As such, these are just guidelines that can and should be adapted to better suit your family’s dynamics.

Your kids probably know that your relationship with your spouse is on the rocks, unless they are very young. Still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a strategy in place. You can try to tell your kids together, if possible. This helps to avoid the issue of some kids feeling like they have to keep a secret from the others and presents a sense of unity when the family may otherwise be breaking apart.

You also want to keep how you tell your kids age-appropriate. Let them know that it’s not their fault and that you’re still a family. This goes hand-in-hand with the point below, but don’t point fingers and place blame when telling your kids that you are getting a divorce.

#2. Avoid Placing Blame And Arguing

If your relationship with your spouse is tenuous, rather than just the spark fizzled away, it can be so tempting to argue with them and place blame. When telling your kids that you are getting a divorce, though, don’t do this. You don’t want to get into any ugly details that contributed to the divorce, like infidelity. Arguing and placing blame can make your kids feel like they have to take sides and pick which parent they like best, causing even more strain in an already strenuous situation.

Instead, focus on how getting a divorce can actually improve your family by addressing conflict and unhappiness with an effective solution. Tell your kids how this is a good thing for everyone, and that yes, it will take time to adapt to said change, but in the long-run, everyone will be happier.

#3. Prepare Them For Changes

Let your kids know what changes are coming, such as which parent may be moving out, how their routines may be impacted, and what their new normal may look like. When your kids are able to prepare for the changes that your divorce will bring, it will be easier for them to handle. 

#4. Point Out What Won’t Change

Just as your kids should know what changes are coming, you should also let them know what won’t change. This can provide them with an anchor in a time that would otherwise be turbulent and difficult to navigate. This is especially important for young children whose day-to-day lives would be significantly impacted by your divorce, such as who is picking them up from school and the like.

#5. Listen When Telling Your Kids, And After

Don’t rant to your kids about the factors involved in your divorce, but do listen to them express their thoughts and feelings on the matter. It’s important for kids to be able to talk about what they’re feeling and to feel heard and supported by their parents. This is crucial not just for them to be able to process how they feel about the divorce, but about how their lives are changing. For example, younger kids may experience bullying at school if it gets out that you and your spouse are getting a divorce.

#6. Remind Them That You Love Them

The most important tip for telling your kids that you are getting a divorce is to remind them just how much you love them. Kids of all ages, but especially those who are young, may feel as though they are partially to blame for the divorce or that the divorce is happening because you and your spouse don’t love them as much anymore. It’s vital to remind your kids that you love them and the divorce won’t change that.

Getting A Divorce And Need An Attorney?

Kaufman, Nichols, & Kaufman provides family law representation, including all types of divorces, from uncontested to contested and more. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and let us help you achieve fair representation throughout your divorce.

Abusive relationships are difficult in many ways, and while divorce can set you free, if there are children involved, custody can be difficult. You may wonder whether you are obligated to let your ex have custody over your children or whether you can gain full custody over them.

Here is what you need to know about what can happen with child custody when you have an abusive spouse you’re divorcing. Bear in mind that in order to know what your specific options are, you will need to consult with an attorney. This blog does not constitute legal advice, but rather provides general information that may or may not be relevant to your case. 

Does Your Abusive Spouse Have A Right To Child Custody?

Some victims of abuse think that it is not their right to stand between a child and their other parent. They think that the other parent has a right to have a relationship with their child. 

In cases of abuse, many victims are not believed because while the abuser may be abusive to them, they are not abusive to other people in their life. As such, people may claim that the victim is lying because they have never seen that sort of behavior from the abuser. 

However, it is common for abusers to abuse some people while being perfectly charming and normal to others. Some victims of abuse think that because of this, just because they were abused does not mean that the abuser will abuse the children, and ergo assume that they should not press charges and should allow the abuser child custody.

Courts generally want what is best for the child. If the child might be in danger, they may deny or restrict custody. In order for this to occur, there must be proof beyond reasonable doubt that the children would be in danger around your abusive spouse.

About Child Custody In Divorces With Domestic Violence

Cases involving abuse are always challenging. While false allegations of abuse are rare (between 2% – 10% of all accusations made, meaning that 90+% of accusations are made in good faith), they do occur. This means that it needs to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt that the abuse occurred and the accused is responsible. If you’re worried for your safety and/or your children’s safety, you may be scared of the process, worried you won’t be believed, and want to know what you can do in order to protect your children and yourself.

However, courts want to keep your children safe. They will thoroughly investigate the abuse, the acts committed, the frequency of the acts, and the impact the abuse has had on children. They do not want your children exposed to or witnessing domestic violence. 

Do Abusive Spouses Get Child Custody?

There are many ways that custody can turn out in cases with domestic violence, depending on the evidence, how the children are affected, and the judge. Typically, both parents should be able to have a meaningful role in the upbringing of their child, but domestic violence can complicate the matter. Even when domestic violence is present in a divorce case, it does not automatically mean that the violent spouse will lose custody or parenting rights.

The judge will consider all factors involving the danger the violent spouse presents to the children when making a decision. Judges typically want to allow for the possibility of a bond with both parents, so long as the children themselves are not in danger.

While it may be upsetting to know that in most cases, your abusive spouse will still be able to visit your children even if they do not get custody, this isn’t out of the ordinary. As long as the parent has not abused the children, it is common for them to have visitation rights. If you do not feel safe around your spouse, you can agree to meet at a very public location, such as the local police station, or ask the court to appoint a supervisor for the visit. 

If your spouse has a long history of domestic violence, then the judge may choose to severely restrict visitation. Many judges opt for supervised visitation in cases involving domestic violence. This is when your spouse and your child may be observed and supervised by a third party during a short visit at a neutral location. 

Other options include ordering the violent spouse to undergo therapy while the custody case is pending. 

You may be able to get an emergency custody order while fighting for long-term custody of your children.

If you have other ideas, you can propose them to the judge. Most judges are open to ideas that keep everyone safe while allowing visitation. 

However, if the abusive spouse has been abusive to the children as well, they may lose all custody and visitation rights. It is important to have a good lawyer on your side in order to keep both you and your children safe. 

Do You Need Help With Your Child Custody Case?

Kaufman, Nichols, & Kaufman provides family law representation in the Ogden area. We understand how contentious child custody cases can be, and how much more difficult domestic violence makes the matter. We are here to help you keep yourself and your child safe. Contact us today to learn more about what we can do to assist you with child custody matters in Ogden, UT.

While infidelity is a common cause of why people divorce, it doesn’t necessarily always have an impact on your divorce’s legal proceedings. Infidelity may or may not affect your divorce case depending on certain factors. It rarely has much, if any, bearing on divorce proceedings, however, depending on the factors involved in the divorce, it may impact court decisions on child custody, alimony, asset distribution, and the like.

Here is what you need to know about infidelity in a divorce case. To obtain personalized counsel for your specific circumstances, set up a consultation with a divorce attorney. 

How Much Does Infidelity In A Divorce Case Matter?

To the two people getting divorced? Probably quite a bit. To the courts? Not so much. 

Adultery is more often than not part of the emotions and issues leading to divorce rather than the legal proceedings of the divorce. Courts generally want both parties to be able to put their emotions aside and negotiate reasonably. Prenups can help with this, as both you and your partner agreed on the terms without strong emotions influencing your decisions. 

As mentioned above, infidelity in a divorce case rarely impacts your divorce case and the decisions the court makes unless there are certain factors involved, such as if the affair was paraded in front of children, negatively impacted them, or put them in some sort of danger.

Infidelity In A Divorce Case: At-Fault Vs No-Fault Divorce

In no-fault divorces, adultery may not be used against you. However, it may be grounds for an at-fault divorce. Bear in mind that at-fault divorces are more expensive, which can affect your decision to pursue a fault vs no-fault divorce.

Also, if you pursue a fault-based divorce, you will need to prove the infidelity and how it impacted your finances and the like. A no-fault divorce allows you to move on without having to try to prove that this happened. This can be challenging, especially since the cheating spouse will likely try to deny what they did.

Is Infidelity A Crime? 

This depends on your state. Adultery is still defined as a crime in multiple states. In the handful of states where adultery is illegal, it is typically classified as a misdemeanor offense, though some classify it as a felony. Punishments range from fines to jail time to both. 

However, in the majority of states, there are no laws against adultery. The number of states criminalizing adultery has decreased in recent years. This is due to the fact that adultery laws are considered outdated, are difficult to enforce, and are considered by many to be an intrusion by the government into personal relationships. 

As such, depending on where you live, cheating spouses are more likely to face consequences in court decisions than they are to have criminal charges brought against them.  

How Common Is Infidelity In A Divorce Case?

Infidelity is a very common reason for divorce. While statistics are conflicting, it’s estimated that anywhere from 15%-50% of divorces are spurred by infidelity. 88% of couples say that infidelity was a major factor in their divorce.

Men are more likely to have affairs than women are, although the cheating gap is closing. Men are more likely to be concerned with physical affairs while women are more likely to be concerned with emotional affairs. This plays into the type of infidelity each sex is more likely to commit, as men are more likely to cheat for sex while women are more likely to cheat in order to feel an emotional connection. 

How Can Infidelity Impact Court Decisions?

While courts won’t punish your spouse for cheating in and of itself, unless you live in a state where adultery is still criminalized, the cheating may play a role in how your divorce plays out. This would depend on whether it had an adverse effect on children, the cheating spouse spent a lot of money on their lover, and similar factors. Being separated doesn’t make adultery not illegal in the states where it is, as you are still legally married even if you are separated. 

You could also bring up to the court if you fear for your children’s safety around your spouse’s lover, such as if the lover has a history of abusive behavior. This can affect visitation and custody. Bear in mind that any claims you make will need to have evidence proving them and cannot be based on hearsay (for example: “I heard so-and-so say that they saw so-and-so do this”).

Some of the ways in which infidelity impacts court decisions in divorce are as follows. 

Asset Distribution

Property division is generally not affected by infidelity. Prenups and postnups also make this process smoother during a divorce. However, this may not be the case if the cheater used a lot of money on their affairs, like expensive gifts or vacations or what have you. If your partner has used martial funds on their lover, this may be a factor in alimony.

Bear in mind that there are differences between community property and separate property. Marital property is property acquired during the marriage.

Alimony

The general guideline for alimony is to prevent one of the spouses from being left with nothing. There can be temporary alimony. Many divorces do not involve alimony, but as mentioned above, if your unfaithful spouse spent a lot of your combined money on their lover, this may factor into alimony.

Factors impacting alimony include: the financial situation of each spouse (such as if one makes less than the other, or if one forewent their career in order to look after children, etc), the amount of property owned by each spouse, the financial/non-financial contributions to the marriage, how long the marriage was, the age and health of each spouse, and the like.

Child Custody/Visitation

In most cases, infidelity in a divorce case does not impact child custody or visitation rights. However, if the children would be in danger, this can influence court decisions. The court generally wants to protect the children and make the decisions that would keep them safest.

If the cheating spouse’s lover has factors that can be unsafe for children, like drug use, etc, this can affect custody. However, as long as the person your spouse was with doesn’t present potential harm to the child, custody isn’t affected. The courts will examine the situation in order to ensure that the children aren’t in any danger.

Proving Infidelity In A Divorce Case

While you need evidence to prove infidelity, you need to be careful not to break the law in your efforts. If you illegally obtained evidence, it is inadmissible into court. 

Whether or not your spouse had a reasonable expectation of privacy impacts this – such as going through your spouse’s text messages versus overhearing them talking on the phone. However, it can be illegal to record phone conversations without the other party’s consent. It can also be a crime to access another person’s computer or phone (aka emails and texts) without permission.

Social media posts aren’t private, however, so you can look at those. Remember that you can’t use hearsay (aka, “well so and so told me that they saw my spouse with this person”). The testimony will need to come from the witnesses themselves. 

While there may be exceptions, you will need to be careful to work with an attorney to ensure that you don’t end up breaking laws trying to prove your spouse’s infidelity. Lawyers can look into credit cards and bank statements that can prove what your spouse was spending money on. They will be able to provide you with advice on how to gather evidence legally.

Does Infidelity Play A Role In Your Divorce?

If you want to divorce your spouse and you want to know how infidelity specifically impacts your case, contact the lawyers here at Kaufman, Nichols, & Kaufman to set up a case consultation. We’re here to help you get the decision that you deserve.